Dad's back!

One week ago today Dad came from Oklahoma to Iowa to live with us for awhile. My brother Mark and I have decided to alternate the responsibility of caring for dad as we navigate through the progression of his Alzheimer’s. Of course I anticipated adventures to ensue, but had no idea how quickly that would actually happen. Here’s the lowdown:
• Day 1 – I almost got dad killed out on a bike ride. We were riding along on the sidewalk of a busy street and the lost control of his bike and rolled into oncoming traffic. He wasn’t hurt, but I’ve never moved so fast to get him up and out of the street.
• Day 2 – I lost dad. He and I had gone to walk the dogs first thing in the morning and then he was eating breakfast while Karl and I worked out. We finished our workout, were quite sweaty and decided to go walk a couple of blocks to cool down. Dad was finishing his breakfast, so I told him to finish up and we’d be right back. Big mistake! We came back from going three blocks and he was gone and nowhere to be found. After searching the neighborhood for 20 minutes I called the police and they finally found him about three miles away after he wandered into a school looking for me. The officer brought him back and he was unfazed. “Man, I walked about 20 miles trying to catch up with you guys!” was all he had to say.

So after two days I felt like a complete failure as a daughter. But along with day three came a new attitude. Stuff happens. But I have a unique opportunity to have a “do-over” with my dad. Much of my life I longed for a closer relationship with him. He was often serious, and consumed with work and seemed; well, angry all the time. Now I have this kinda sweet dad who’s friendly, funny, and childlike and laughs all the time. He says the most comical things, has an obsession with chicken strips, French fries and Dr. Pepper and wants to go all the time. And I’ve decided to enjoy every moment of it. Who knows how long he will even remember us? The reality is, he will get much worse and while caring for dad is inconvenient, it is a privilege to have this time with him, and I'm thanking God for the joy and laughter we can experience together.

RAGBRAI #7

Just got back from five days of cycling approximately 400 miles across the beautiful state of Iowa. This was my 7th RAGBRAI and my favorite thus far. Here are a few of the highlights:

• Having my girlfriend Sundae along for her first RAGBRAI ever and seeing it all through her eyes. This girl just started riding in December and she rocked it!
• “Randomly” meeting a new group of friends, Team Groucho, who are the neatest people and enjoying getting to know them and hearing their stories.
• Experiencing great hospitality along the way. Amazing!
• Having the most beautiful weather conditions – the best yet.
• Getting to have lots of time with my wonderful hubby and leaving work and school demands behind for a week.
• Enjoying the beauty of God’s creation and just being outside all day every day – I love it!
• Incredible spiritual conversations throughout the week. I love those!

I’m so grateful for the opportunity and ability to be able to experience something like this each year. It’s my favorite week and it refreshes me like nothing else. I’m not sure if its working my butt off on that bike, sweating like a big dog all day, or just challenging myself to be better each year, but this ride really flips my switch.

What ignites you?

A SENSELESS TRAGEDY

The headlines of my hometown newspaper this morning read “Murder-Suicide at Bank Stuns Elgin”. Unfortunately these kinds of headlines are not uncommon in our society today, but today I’m writing about this one because this was a husband and wife that I knew. Ray and Diane Dye had been married for many years and had a beautiful family including kids and grandkids. He was a local firefighter, she a coach and teacher. I have a lot of fond memories of Diane, first playing basketball against one another in high school, and later playing with one another in local tournaments. I knew her to be spirited and competitive, compassionate, excellent in all she did, and a fun person to hang with. Ray shared her competitive nature was a great sharer of stories.

So what went wrong? How did this senseless tragedy happen? Why did this senseless tragedy happen? What would cause a man to kill the woman he had loved for so long, the mother of his children, and then kill himself? These are all questions that will be speculated by everyone, but in reality, there is no answer that will relieve the devastation, the grief, or the anger that will be felt about this heartbreaking incident that has forever changed the lives of Ray and Diane and those who loved them.

I am haunted by these questions. I cannot stop playing them out in my mind over and over again and there are simply no answers here. But this I know; God is no stranger to the devastating loss of His child. His word tells us that He is the “Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 2:1-4 I can only pray that in the absence of answers, God will dispense His compassion; that it will be felt by God’s Spirit through the multitude of prayers that will be offered on behalf of the family, through the cards that will be sent, the meals that will be prepared, the words of sympathy that will be shared, the physical presence of those just “being there”. I pray it will be dispensed by the stories that are shared by the impact their lives have made on the lives of others.

Though their lives ended in senseless tragedy, the lives of Ray and Diane were not senseless. They each had purpose and meaning and they were loved.

TRADITIONS

Today is my mom’s birthday. The thing is, she passed away 8 years ago on July 4, but our family has been keeping a tradition alive ever since. On my mom’s birthday, we all go have a banana split for dinner in honor of my mom. It’s kind of a strange tradition. I’ve never heard of anyone else who actually has banana splits for dinner, but it was one of my mom’s favorite things to do. She was this little twig of a lady, but had an incredible penchant for junk food. Coke, Ding Dongs, cheeseburgers and fries, and yes, good ‘ol banana splits were among her favorites.

When I first moved to Sioux City six years ago, and away from my family, it was a real bummer because no one seemed to share my enthusiasm for honoring and celebrating my mom’s life in this way. I guess it’s just too weird to think of only having that for dinner. But not THIS year! My niece Shelby is here for the summer, and couldn’t wait for tonight to carry on the tradition. So we drove to LeMars, Iowa, the ice cream capital of the world, and got the hugest banana splits. Yum! They were so big we couldn’t even finish them.

It’s hard to believe that my mom’s been gone for almost 8 years now. She was the best mom, and I still miss her so much. She taught me many valuable life lessons, and we shared many unorthodox family traditions over the years. I’m not really what I would consider a “traditional” kind of person, but I do enjoy sharing those traditions that tie to the ones we love, and especially help connect our past, present and future. Shelby was only 11 when mom died, but this day has become so special for her, and I know she will share them with her kids (when she has them). They will then have a connection to their great grandma that they may never have had otherwise.

So here’s to my mom and the amazing woman she was.

What are your most unorthodox traditions?

Teamwork

Have you ever heard the saying, “teamwork makes the dream work”? It’s a great catchy phrase often used in the business world today, but is actually a really ancient concept. The apostle Paul speaks of it in his letter to the church in Corinth. He says in chapter 12, verse 27: “Now you are the body of Christ and each of you is a part of it.” Throughout chapter 12, Paul speaks of how each of us is like a different body part all working together. If one part fails to do its part, the whole body suffers. If all the parts do their “thing” the body is an amazing thing to behold.

So this week, I’ve had the remarkable privilege of seeing the body of Christ at work. Teamwork DOES make the dream work, and I have an amazing team to work with at Sunnybrook Community Church. Today we launched our 7th annual Skill School event with over 700 kindergarten thru 5th graders, and it was an amazing day. This team made what began as a crazy vision into this:




This gargantuan pirate ship set is just one small piece of the puzzle of the week, but what a grand piece it is! The incredible actors (mostly our staff) and worship team who graced the throngs of that ship today were astounding. The 278 volunteers that showed up today to make it all happen were extraordinary. I am so blessed to be able to witness such an awesome work of God through this body each and every year, and it only gets better. Kudos to God’s body at Sunnybrook!

Adventures with Dad - Part 3 (he's on a bike!)

Ok, my adventures with dad keep getting more unbelievable. Last night, Shelby, Emily and I decided to go on a bike ride and I asked dad if he wanted to go. Now keep in mind, this man hasn’t been on a bike in at least 50 years, if even that. “Yeah”, he says, “I’ll go”. “Holy moly!”, I think to myself, “now what do I do?” So I did the logical thing. I pulled out the easiest bike we had to ride and let him go for it. A picture is worth a thousand words, so I’ll let the video below tell the story. But I just gotta say, I’m having the time of my life spending this week with my dementia laden dad. He has no idea what he can’t (or would never)do, and I’m thanking God for every minute of it.



By the way....he rode 10 MILES. Go dad!

Adventures with Dad - Part 2

What a hilarious week this has been with dad in tow. Here are a few highlights of the things dad has been doing that he never would have done pre-Alzheimer’s:

• Watching Michael Jackson’s “This is It” movie with Shelby and I – and be-bopping along with the beat with total enjoyment
• Talking to and petting my cocker spaniel, Oakley
• Getting his hair cut at my salon
• Helping me construct a pirate ship for our upcoming Sunnybrook Skill School

And check him out jumping in to work out with Karl and me to P90X- hilarious! (Note the cowboy boots)



Tune in for more adventures tomorrow....

Adventures with Dad - Part 1

My dad is here staying with me for the first time since I moved to Sioux City six years ago. He has Alzheimer’s and has been living with my brother Mark and sister-in-law Lea Ann in Oklahoma for the past 6 months. Mark is on a mission trip, so here’s my opportunity to experience all the fun “adventures” that accompany dad’s disease.

We had a delightful day yesterday. Well, besides the fact that he woke up at 3:30 a.m. and started wandering around the house, that is. After getting him showered up (gotta say, that’s quite a feat), we took the dogs on a long walk at 5:30 a.m. Dad must’ve thought he was the neighborhood beautification team because he kept picking up the neighbors’ trash as we made our way. We had a great time at church, including the grand tour of Sunnybrook, followed by a yummy meal at Texas Roadhouse before Mark and Tanner headed off for their mission trip.

Dad, my niece Shelby and I kept quite busy throughout the afternoon, taking a shopping trip to purchase annuals and then potting them all on the back deck. We also spray painted some chairs for the front porch and did a little yard work. Dad seemed a little winded during the painting session, and it struck me funny how full circle we’ve come. “Dad”, I said, “do you realize that you are paying the price these days for the strong work ethic you taught Mark and I? You worked us like dogs when we were growing up, and now we are doing the same to you!” We laughed in agreement. But here’s the thing: growing up, working together was the way we connected as a family. We didn’t spend time talking around a dinner table (that was just for eating) or playing games. There was always work to be done on the farm and that was what always brought us together. And as dysfunctional as that is, I have to admit, yesterday was the first time I’ve felt connected to my dad in ages. It was a joy and pleasure to work together, accomplishing tasks, small as they were. I’m really looking forward to spending this week together, and though it will be challenging at times, connecting with my dad is something I can never get enough of.


He actually slept ‘til about 6 a.m. this morning (that’s a miracle) and after walking the dogs, I started to cook him some breakfast. Before I knew it, he was out the back door, made his way behind our shed and relieved himself right in front of the neighbors! Holy moly, I think I’m gonna have my hands full this week!

To be continued….

PLAN B

I just got my copy of Pete Wilson’s new book Plan B hot off the presses. I’m really excited to dive into this book, because delves into the question, “What do you do when God doesn’t show up the way you thought He would?”

I’m intrigued by the book because I am living out my own Plan B. Several years back, the familiar life I knew imploded around me, and all that was seemingly left was an ash heap of my former life. Throughout the trials I faced these words from Isaiah 61 continually encouraged me:

^1” The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

² to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor. “

Day after day, I meditated upon this scripture as a prayer of promise for what God would do. And out of the ash heap of my life, God has indeed bestowed upon me a crown of beauty, He has poured over me the oil of gladness, and clothed me in a garment of praise. As the phoenix rises from the ashes in the familiar legend, God has lifted me from the miry clay, and allowed me to soar in a beautiful new life He’s created for me.

God’s Plan B is “exceedingly, abundantly more than I can ask or imagine”. (Ephesians 3:20)

How about you?

DAD GOES TO CHURCH

Today was an historic day for me. After forty something years of living and dreaming of this day, it finally happened. My dad went to church.

Ever since I received Christ as my Savior at the age of 9 while attending church with my cousins, I always prayed and dreamed of our family going to church together; me, my brother Mark, and my mom and dad. I remember begging them time after time to go with Mark and me, but they always refused. As each birthday approached, my birthday request was for us to go church together. It never happened.

Later, when my parents divorced, I knew that dream was dead. But it would still be nice to be able to worship the God of all creation in some way shape or form with my parents. I knew the transforming power of His love, and I wanted them to know that too. It wasn’t so much that they had to go to church to experience that, but it seemed like a good start.

In 1989, part of that prayer was answered. My mom, after years of struggling with alcohol and prescription drug addiction, gave her heart to Jesus and was completely transformed. It was a wonderful twelve years of sharing our growing and deep faith together, and worshipping together at church with Mark, my sister-in-law Lea Ann, and my nieces. Then in 2002, mom died after a brief battle with ovarian cancer. Her death was easier to bear because of her unwavering faith. It was an incredible journey together.

During those years, my dad struggled with his own demons. As much as we all tried to share our faith with him, He just wasn’t interested in spiritual matters. Eventually, his life settled down, however, he began to become more and more withdrawn from family and friends. We began to suspect dementia, and our fears were confirmed this past year when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. During his most lucid moments, my brother has shared matters of faith with him, but dad, a headstrong, independent and prideful man, has continued to resist.

Dad began living with Mark and Lea Ann a few weeks ago, and when Sunday mornings rolled around, he had no desire to accompany them to church. He simply wasn’t interested. But this week, something changed.

Karl and I happened to be in Oklahoma this weekend for a wedding and stayed with Mark and Lea Ann and dad. So this morning, as he and I were standing in the kitchen, I casually asked him if he’d like to join us for church, fully expecting a resounding “no”. He surprised me by saying, “yeah, I’ll go, it’ll be good for me to go to church.”

I steadied myself as to not pass out. “Great” I said, and then the fear set in. How would he act? Would he be okay during Mark’s Sunday school class? What if he heckled Mark while he was teaching? Would he do something inappropriate? And then I stopped myself. I wanted to enjoy this moment. Dad was going to church.

And here’s the funny thing; he actually seemed to enjoy it. He was engaged, clapped during the worship time (in rhythm even) and sang along at times. He laughed at the pastor’s jokes and nodded his head from time to time. Words can’t adequately describe how it felt to sit next to my dad in church.

As our family tries to deal with the things that dad’s disease robs from him, here’s something it’s given him, and us; time together doing things we never thought he would do. And it’s my prayer that as dad continues to become more childlike, that God will break through the adult walls that he has spent his life building, and that He will capture his heart.

“I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3

Runnin' Ragged

It's been one of those weeks. Too many pans in the fire, don't know if I'm coming or going, wondering how I will get it all done. Ministry can be like that.

But I thank God for the experiences He has taken me through which allow me to know.....this too shall pass. God is always faithful, and when I'm feeling the most worn down, spaced out, and all revved up at the same time, He comes in with His still, small voice and says "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." And all of a sudden I can exhale, knowing all the while it's so true. He IS God.

I'm so glad.

What's Your Conflict Management Style?

I'm apologizing in advance for the length of this post, but by request, I'm sharing an excerpt of a seminary paper on the evolution of my conflict management style....



As early as I can remember, conflict has been a very present reality in my life. I grew up in a home where my parents had continuous conflicts and arguments. In fact, our entire extended family sometimes seems to revolve around conflict. In many ways arguing has been the glue that has held our family together. Loud debates, arguments and competitions have always characterized our family gatherings, and frankly, there have been two sides to this dynamic. On one hand, it’s all part of the fun and games of family togetherness. To survive in the Cox family, one must develop a “tough skin”, and being able to present one’s perspective requires great strength, fortitude and volume. On the other hand, there have been serious estrangements within the family because of the lack of conflict management skills. Many have walked away wounded from the battle and have been unable to resolve their hurts and differences.


As I was growing up, all conflicts within our family were “won” by my dad, who mostly used compelling or forcing behavior to ensure his way prevailed. Intimidation was his standard practice and so in my earliest years, avoidance and accommodation became my style to prevent my dad’s tirades. What ensued as my brother and I got older however was increased anger between my brother and me that resulted in many conflicts and arguments, even when they weren’t necessary. I often sought to negotiate and persuade my brother to be reasonable and work together to solve our conflicts, but he was mostly unyielding and unwilling and frequently sought to model my dad’s intimidation techniques. Not much got resolved between us, and often our conflicts became very emotional and physical.

My parents divorced right after my senior year in high school and interestingly, in the following years, I developed a real passion to have a deeper understanding of what makes people tick and why they behave as they do. I minored in psychology in my undergraduate work, and began to develop improved skills in conflict management. I became more self aware that I really didn’t like conflict, but I also wasn’t intimidated by it any longer. To me, a mutual understanding and resolve could always be achieved when two people were willing to be reasonable and have a deeper acceptance of one another. It was at this point, I believe, that I began to adopt a strong collaboration style of conflict management.

God’s word has also greatly helped to shape my conflict management style. Consider the following scriptures:

· “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18

· “Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.” 2 Corinthians 13:11

· “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.” Hebrews 12:14

· “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.” 2 Corinthians 5:17-19

Particularly when I consider the ministry of reconciliation that we have been given, I am compelled not only in my own life to live reconciled with Christ and with others, but I feel a high calling to facilitate in the lives of others reconciliation with Christ and with one another.

Over the years, I believe I’ve learned an important principle about conflict; that is, there is not always a right side and a wrong side. A great scriptural example of this occurs in the story of Paul and Barnabas in Acts 15. After traveling extensively together sharing the gospel and seeing many lives changes, they came into sharp disagreement. Scripture tells us that as a result of this conflict, they parted ways. However, in this situation God used both parties to continue his work. I don’t believe God is always primarily concerned about who is right and who is wrong; He cares about the condition of our hearts as we face conflict with one another. A heart yielded to Him can continue to be used despite circumstances, but an embittered heart is rendered useless.

On a deeper and more personal level, I have experienced the definitive conflict failure; divorce. During the terribly unwanted separation and divorce of my first marriage, I was constantly asking myself, “How can God be glorified in this?” I struggled, too often focusing on the right and wrong in the situation, and how in the world my husband could do the things he did. I continually tried to manage the conflict, without success, but was confident all the while that God would ultimately reconcile the relationship. He didn’t. We didn’t.

But what I have seen is that God has redeemed my life. Though I felt as though I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, God brought me through to a land “flowing with milk and honey” (Exodus 3:8);” to a life immeasurably more than I could ever have asked or imagined.” (Ephesians 3:20) Certainly our situation was not the ideal conflict resolution, but God in His sovereignty has redeemed it.

Ultimately, conflict is not something to be avoided, but if we are emotionally mature and yielding to God, it can be an incredible opportunity for growth, reconciliation and redemption in our lives.

Get Real

This weekend I am giving a talk about body image at the Get Real women's conference. Thought I'd share an exerpt from this talk:

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, but this temple is outwardly wasting away. It’s the inward that is being renewed and it is the part we should pay careful attention to. The inward should direct the outward, not the other way around. Too often, we allow our outward bodies to determine who we are or how we feel. We focus on our imperfections and we allow this to produce:

· self hatred

· self fixation

· lack of confidence

· inability to live out our calling

This should not be! In his amazing book, The Gift of Being Yourself, David Benner says this:

"Unless we spend as much time looking at God as we spend looking at our self, our knowing of self will simply draw us further into an abyss of self-fixation.” I must say, that is the thing that motivates me most to continually work toward overcoming this “thorn” of a poor body image. Because when I am in my most miserable battles with it, I am totally fixated on me. How sinful and selfish of me! God does not call me to be self fixated. The two most important things that Jesus has reiterated are these:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:37-38

We cannot love God and love others when we are fixated on self flagellation!

So how do we combat this? I would offer two ways:

1. We concentrate on knowing God.

2. We concentrate on knowing what God says about US.

Both of these involve the practice of spiritual disciplines, especially being in God’s word daily. I want to offer you some scriptures that will help you right away today to know what God says about you and how He feels about you.

"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord." Psalm 45:11

Did you get that? The KING of KINGS and Lord of Lords is enthralled with your beauty! You are a daughter of the King and that is what gives you your worth. Not some shallow expectation from a lost and dying world; a world where the Prince of Darkness runs rampant and has been given full reign to reek havoc. He wants nothing more than to destroy God’s beloved and will use any means available to him. Don’t buy into his schemes.

“The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

“Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings.” Psalm 17:8

Knowing that God, the creator of the universe, takes great delight in me and has me as the apple of His eye overshadows any low opinion I might be tempted to have of myself. God trumps Laurie every day of the week. And He trumps you too.

Junk in my trunk

I was reminded last night of the power in sharing the “junk” of our lives. I was doing some teaching at church, and there’s always a section in this class where I get pretty transparent and share what I’ve come to term “the year of the valley of the shadow of death” in my life. That year included rejection, betrayal, divorce, and death. It was pretty nasty. And as much as I am grateful for what God did in my life and has done since then, it’s not really that pleasant to revisit the pain.

But here’s the thing: I’m convinced that revisiting and sharing this pain is essential to the purpose for which God has called me. Check this out:

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

See, during that devastating time, I was truly able to experience the “God of all comfort”. If I never spoke of that pain again, how would I ever be able to comfort anyone else with the comfort I received from Him? I never know who in the crowd might need to hear my story. And there was someone last night who did. It brings great joy to be able to encourage and bring hope to someone who is suffering.

So I will continue to share my junk. Why? Because:

· Sharing our junk makes us real people.

· Sharing our junk empowers others to persevere through theirs.

· Sharing our junk and the healing we’ve received glorifies God.

And each time I share my junk, it becomes a little more like treasure.

Throwin' it off

This has been a rough winter. I moved to Sioux City in 2003 and this is by far the longest, coldest, snowiest and darkest season I’ve experienced. And it’s only February! Since my blog centers around a running theme, and the Hebrews 12:1-2 scripture, I’ve been reflecting on how very much this winter has been hindering me from what I love, running. I’ve allowed the snow piles, cold, ice and darkness in the early a.m. hours to stifle me. So the other day, I decided to throw off all that was hindering and entangling me. I layered up, put on my running spikes and went for it; six miles in the cold and snow covered sidewalks and trails. It was exhilarating! And it made me wonder, “Why have I been allowing this stuff to weigh me down?” I felt a real freedom out there, and determined I’m not letting the elements hold me back any longer.

My life parallels my running. I allow sin and my flesh to stifle me. It weighs me down and keeps me from doing the things I’m called to do. I make excuses, and sure they sound reasonable, but in the end, they are just excuses. And these things hinder me from God’s best; they entangle me and keep me from running the race that has been set before me. So today, I’m throwing it off, confessing it to God and allowing His grace and forgiveness to free me from the wrapped up mess that keeps me from the race.

I feel a run coming on.

Recently I've been reading lots of Old Testament. Ok, I'll admit it, it's been a requirement in one of my seminary classes. Just today I read 1 and 2 Chronicles in one sitting. I gotta say, reading such a large passage at once gives me a whole new perspective, and God really has been speaking to me through this process.

One of the things that really stood out to me today is in 2 Chronicles chapter 20. Jehoshaphat (Judah's king) is being confronted with war from the Moabite and the Ammonites. Alarmed at the vast army that is coming against them, he is “resolved to inquire of the Lord” and “he proclaimed a fast for all Judah.”

After really looking at this passage, I observed five things that Jehoshaphat did in response to this threat:
1. He resolved to inquire of the Lord (verse 3)
2. He called a corporate fast (verse 3)
3. He acknowledges God’s sovereignty (verses 6-9)
4. He admitted their powerlessness and turned their eyes upon God (verse 12)
5. Worshipped and praised the Lord (verses 18-19)

It seems to me that this response is one that we can take to heart and glean much wisdom from when we are facing insurmountable odds in our own lives.

God has truly been speaking to my heart much in the last 30 days about fasting, and the fact that, generally speaking, as Christians we don’t often inquire of the Lord with fasting, especially corporately. Why is this? As I've been reading through the OT passages, the number of times that fasting is mentioned just leaps from the pages. It’s not that I haven’t practiced the discipline of fasting in my own life at times, but fasting for God’s people was a regular accompaniment of prayer, particularly in matters of great importance.

So what’s keeping us from this seemingly lost discipline? Anyone?

The Return of the Not-So-Prodigal Son

It’s amazing how God will use the most unusual things to speak truth into my life. I just finished a reflection paper for seminary on “The Return of the Prodigal Son” by Henri Nouwen. In this particular assignment we were to reflect on the story from the perspective of the elder son. I had no idea what an impact this reading/reflection would have on me. Following is an excerpt:

In these chapters on the elder son, Nouwen reflects that Rembrandt presents him with the “inner drama of the soul”. For, the elder son has come to a crossroads; one very much like the crossroads the younger son has already faced. Will he embrace the love of the Father, or will he alienate himself from that love? At some point, we are each faced with that inner drama, and often it is in the most unexpected ways.

As the eldest daughter, the plight of the elder son is my own. I have been obedient and dutiful, hard-working and diligent, desiring more than anything to please. My greatest fear has been to be a disappointment; to my parents, God, or to anyone for that matter. And increasingly, this has caused a great oppression in my life. I can all too easily relate to Nouwen’s words: “There was always a conscious effort to avoid the pitfalls of sin and the constant fear of giving in to temptation. But with all of that there came seriousness, a moralistic intensity- and even a touch of fanaticism.” And ultimately it breeds resentment and inner anger.

This has been my greatest struggle, and has reared its ugly head in these more recent years of my life. Anger cannot remain hidden indefinitely; at some point it will be exposed. The return of the prodigal was the catalyst for the elder son’s inner exposure. The catalyst for me has been a growing ministry and furthering my education. I often remind myself that Jesus said, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light”. (Matthew 11:30) If so, why do I feel so weighed down? Quickly, I realize it is of my own doing, for resentment has manifested itself in my life as perfectionism. And “Perfectionism Gone Wild” might be the caption for my year. Indeed, it is a heavy yoke. And as Nouwen says, “it is far more pernicious: something that has attached itself to the underside of my virtue.”

I am quite grateful for this reading at this time. As I recently reflected on this past year in my journal, I had a realization of what an angry person I have become; how void of joy I seem to be, which is not at all who I have been most of my life. As I considered the source of this anger, and why it has been so prevalent, I promptly identified perfectionism, self condemnation, and constant pressure I put on myself. Upon reading this portrayal of the elder son, I suddenly realize my own poverty, my own need to “come home”. I am facing my own inner drama; will I embrace the love of the Father, or will I alienate myself from that love?

Frankly, I am weary of the heavy yoke. I realize however, that as Nouwen says, “By myself cannot leave the land of my anger.” And so I will be still. I will wave my little white flag. I will trust and be grateful, disown my self rejecting voice, and I will listen to my Father. And I will embrace His love for me.

It feels lighter already.