The Return of the Not-So-Prodigal Son

It’s amazing how God will use the most unusual things to speak truth into my life. I just finished a reflection paper for seminary on “The Return of the Prodigal Son” by Henri Nouwen. In this particular assignment we were to reflect on the story from the perspective of the elder son. I had no idea what an impact this reading/reflection would have on me. Following is an excerpt:

In these chapters on the elder son, Nouwen reflects that Rembrandt presents him with the “inner drama of the soul”. For, the elder son has come to a crossroads; one very much like the crossroads the younger son has already faced. Will he embrace the love of the Father, or will he alienate himself from that love? At some point, we are each faced with that inner drama, and often it is in the most unexpected ways.

As the eldest daughter, the plight of the elder son is my own. I have been obedient and dutiful, hard-working and diligent, desiring more than anything to please. My greatest fear has been to be a disappointment; to my parents, God, or to anyone for that matter. And increasingly, this has caused a great oppression in my life. I can all too easily relate to Nouwen’s words: “There was always a conscious effort to avoid the pitfalls of sin and the constant fear of giving in to temptation. But with all of that there came seriousness, a moralistic intensity- and even a touch of fanaticism.” And ultimately it breeds resentment and inner anger.

This has been my greatest struggle, and has reared its ugly head in these more recent years of my life. Anger cannot remain hidden indefinitely; at some point it will be exposed. The return of the prodigal was the catalyst for the elder son’s inner exposure. The catalyst for me has been a growing ministry and furthering my education. I often remind myself that Jesus said, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light”. (Matthew 11:30) If so, why do I feel so weighed down? Quickly, I realize it is of my own doing, for resentment has manifested itself in my life as perfectionism. And “Perfectionism Gone Wild” might be the caption for my year. Indeed, it is a heavy yoke. And as Nouwen says, “it is far more pernicious: something that has attached itself to the underside of my virtue.”

I am quite grateful for this reading at this time. As I recently reflected on this past year in my journal, I had a realization of what an angry person I have become; how void of joy I seem to be, which is not at all who I have been most of my life. As I considered the source of this anger, and why it has been so prevalent, I promptly identified perfectionism, self condemnation, and constant pressure I put on myself. Upon reading this portrayal of the elder son, I suddenly realize my own poverty, my own need to “come home”. I am facing my own inner drama; will I embrace the love of the Father, or will I alienate myself from that love?

Frankly, I am weary of the heavy yoke. I realize however, that as Nouwen says, “By myself cannot leave the land of my anger.” And so I will be still. I will wave my little white flag. I will trust and be grateful, disown my self rejecting voice, and I will listen to my Father. And I will embrace His love for me.

It feels lighter already.