DAD GOES TO CHURCH
Today was an historic day for me. After forty something years of living and dreaming of this day, it finally happened. My dad went to church.
Ever since I received Christ as my Savior at the age of 9 while attending church with my cousins, I always prayed and dreamed of our family going to church together; me, my brother Mark, and my mom and dad. I remember begging them time after time to go with Mark and me, but they always refused. As each birthday approached, my birthday request was for us to go church together. It never happened.
Later, when my parents divorced, I knew that dream was dead. But it would still be nice to be able to worship the God of all creation in some way shape or form with my parents. I knew the transforming power of His love, and I wanted them to know that too. It wasn’t so much that they had to go to church to experience that, but it seemed like a good start.
In 1989, part of that prayer was answered. My mom, after years of struggling with alcohol and prescription drug addiction, gave her heart to Jesus and was completely transformed. It was a wonderful twelve years of sharing our growing and deep faith together, and worshipping together at church with Mark, my sister-in-law Lea Ann, and my nieces. Then in 2002, mom died after a brief battle with ovarian cancer. Her death was easier to bear because of her unwavering faith. It was an incredible journey together.
During those years, my dad struggled with his own demons. As much as we all tried to share our faith with him, He just wasn’t interested in spiritual matters. Eventually, his life settled down, however, he began to become more and more withdrawn from family and friends. We began to suspect dementia, and our fears were confirmed this past year when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. During his most lucid moments, my brother has shared matters of faith with him, but dad, a headstrong, independent and prideful man, has continued to resist.
Dad began living with Mark and Lea Ann a few weeks ago, and when Sunday mornings rolled around, he had no desire to accompany them to church. He simply wasn’t interested. But this week, something changed.
Karl and I happened to be in Oklahoma this weekend for a wedding and stayed with Mark and Lea Ann and dad. So this morning, as he and I were standing in the kitchen, I casually asked him if he’d like to join us for church, fully expecting a resounding “no”. He surprised me by saying, “yeah, I’ll go, it’ll be good for me to go to church.”
I steadied myself as to not pass out. “Great” I said, and then the fear set in. How would he act? Would he be okay during Mark’s Sunday school class? What if he heckled Mark while he was teaching? Would he do something inappropriate? And then I stopped myself. I wanted to enjoy this moment. Dad was going to church.
And here’s the funny thing; he actually seemed to enjoy it. He was engaged, clapped during the worship time (in rhythm even) and sang along at times. He laughed at the pastor’s jokes and nodded his head from time to time. Words can’t adequately describe how it felt to sit next to my dad in church.
As our family tries to deal with the things that dad’s disease robs from him, here’s something it’s given him, and us; time together doing things we never thought he would do. And it’s my prayer that as dad continues to become more childlike, that God will break through the adult walls that he has spent his life building, and that He will capture his heart.
“I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3
Monday, March 22, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Runnin' Ragged
It's been one of those weeks. Too many pans in the fire, don't know if I'm coming or going, wondering how I will get it all done. Ministry can be like that.
But I thank God for the experiences He has taken me through which allow me to know.....this too shall pass. God is always faithful, and when I'm feeling the most worn down, spaced out, and all revved up at the same time, He comes in with His still, small voice and says "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." And all of a sudden I can exhale, knowing all the while it's so true. He IS God.
I'm so glad.
But I thank God for the experiences He has taken me through which allow me to know.....this too shall pass. God is always faithful, and when I'm feeling the most worn down, spaced out, and all revved up at the same time, He comes in with His still, small voice and says "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." And all of a sudden I can exhale, knowing all the while it's so true. He IS God.
I'm so glad.
Monday, March 1, 2010
What's Your Conflict Management Style?
I'm apologizing in advance for the length of this post, but by request, I'm sharing an excerpt of a seminary paper on the evolution of my conflict management style....
As early as I can remember, conflict has been a very present reality in my life. I grew up in a home where my parents had continuous conflicts and arguments. In fact, our entire extended family sometimes seems to revolve around conflict. In many ways arguing has been the glue that has held our family together. Loud debates, arguments and competitions have always characterized our family gatherings, and frankly, there have been two sides to this dynamic. On one hand, it’s all part of the fun and games of family togetherness. To survive in the Cox family, one must develop a “tough skin”, and being able to present one’s perspective requires great strength, fortitude and volume. On the other hand, there have been serious estrangements within the family because of the lack of conflict management skills. Many have walked away wounded from the battle and have been unable to resolve their hurts and differences.
As I was growing up, all conflicts within our family were “won” by my dad, who mostly used compelling or forcing behavior to ensure his way prevailed. Intimidation was his standard practice and so in my earliest years, avoidance and accommodation became my style to prevent my dad’s tirades. What ensued as my brother and I got older however was increased anger between my brother and me that resulted in many conflicts and arguments, even when they weren’t necessary. I often sought to negotiate and persuade my brother to be reasonable and work together to solve our conflicts, but he was mostly unyielding and unwilling and frequently sought to model my dad’s intimidation techniques. Not much got resolved between us, and often our conflicts became very emotional and physical.
My parents divorced right after my senior year in high school and interestingly, in the following years, I developed a real passion to have a deeper understanding of what makes people tick and why they behave as they do. I minored in psychology in my undergraduate work, and began to develop improved skills in conflict management. I became more self aware that I really didn’t like conflict, but I also wasn’t intimidated by it any longer. To me, a mutual understanding and resolve could always be achieved when two people were willing to be reasonable and have a deeper acceptance of one another. It was at this point, I believe, that I began to adopt a strong collaboration style of conflict management.
As early as I can remember, conflict has been a very present reality in my life. I grew up in a home where my parents had continuous conflicts and arguments. In fact, our entire extended family sometimes seems to revolve around conflict. In many ways arguing has been the glue that has held our family together. Loud debates, arguments and competitions have always characterized our family gatherings, and frankly, there have been two sides to this dynamic. On one hand, it’s all part of the fun and games of family togetherness. To survive in the Cox family, one must develop a “tough skin”, and being able to present one’s perspective requires great strength, fortitude and volume. On the other hand, there have been serious estrangements within the family because of the lack of conflict management skills. Many have walked away wounded from the battle and have been unable to resolve their hurts and differences.
As I was growing up, all conflicts within our family were “won” by my dad, who mostly used compelling or forcing behavior to ensure his way prevailed. Intimidation was his standard practice and so in my earliest years, avoidance and accommodation became my style to prevent my dad’s tirades. What ensued as my brother and I got older however was increased anger between my brother and me that resulted in many conflicts and arguments, even when they weren’t necessary. I often sought to negotiate and persuade my brother to be reasonable and work together to solve our conflicts, but he was mostly unyielding and unwilling and frequently sought to model my dad’s intimidation techniques. Not much got resolved between us, and often our conflicts became very emotional and physical.
My parents divorced right after my senior year in high school and interestingly, in the following years, I developed a real passion to have a deeper understanding of what makes people tick and why they behave as they do. I minored in psychology in my undergraduate work, and began to develop improved skills in conflict management. I became more self aware that I really didn’t like conflict, but I also wasn’t intimidated by it any longer. To me, a mutual understanding and resolve could always be achieved when two people were willing to be reasonable and have a deeper acceptance of one another. It was at this point, I believe, that I began to adopt a strong collaboration style of conflict management.
God’s word has also greatly helped to shape my conflict management style. Consider the following scriptures:
· “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18
· “Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.” 2 Corinthians 13:11
· “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.” Hebrews 12:14
· “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.” 2 Corinthians 5:17-19
Particularly when I consider the ministry of reconciliation that we have been given, I am compelled not only in my own life to live reconciled with Christ and with others, but I feel a high calling to facilitate in the lives of others reconciliation with Christ and with one another.
Over the years, I believe I’ve learned an important principle about conflict; that is, there is not always a right side and a wrong side. A great scriptural example of this occurs in the story of Paul and Barnabas in Acts 15. After traveling extensively together sharing the gospel and seeing many lives changes, they came into sharp disagreement. Scripture tells us that as a result of this conflict, they parted ways. However, in this situation God used both parties to continue his work. I don’t believe God is always primarily concerned about who is right and who is wrong; He cares about the condition of our hearts as we face conflict with one another. A heart yielded to Him can continue to be used despite circumstances, but an embittered heart is rendered useless.
On a deeper and more personal level, I have experienced the definitive conflict failure; divorce. During the terribly unwanted separation and divorce of my first marriage, I was constantly asking myself, “How can God be glorified in this?” I struggled, too often focusing on the right and wrong in the situation, and how in the world my husband could do the things he did. I continually tried to manage the conflict, without success, but was confident all the while that God would ultimately reconcile the relationship. He didn’t. We didn’t.
But what I have seen is that God has redeemed my life. Though I felt as though I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, God brought me through to a land “flowing with milk and honey” (Exodus 3:8);” to a life immeasurably more than I could ever have asked or imagined.” (Ephesians 3:20) Certainly our situation was not the ideal conflict resolution, but God in His sovereignty has redeemed it.
Ultimately, conflict is not something to be avoided, but if we are emotionally mature and yielding to God, it can be an incredible opportunity for growth, reconciliation and redemption in our lives.
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