As early as I can remember, conflict has been a very present reality in my life. I grew up in a home where my parents had continuous conflicts and arguments. In fact, our entire extended family sometimes seems to revolve around conflict. In many ways arguing has been the glue that has held our family together. Loud debates, arguments and competitions have always characterized our family gatherings, and frankly, there have been two sides to this dynamic. On one hand, it’s all part of the fun and games of family togetherness. To survive in the Cox family, one must develop a “tough skin”, and being able to present one’s perspective requires great strength, fortitude and volume. On the other hand, there have been serious estrangements within the family because of the lack of conflict management skills. Many have walked away wounded from the battle and have been unable to resolve their hurts and differences.
As I was growing up, all conflicts within our family were “won” by my dad, who mostly used compelling or forcing behavior to ensure his way prevailed. Intimidation was his standard practice and so in my earliest years, avoidance and accommodation became my style to prevent my dad’s tirades. What ensued as my brother and I got older however was increased anger between my brother and me that resulted in many conflicts and arguments, even when they weren’t necessary. I often sought to negotiate and persuade my brother to be reasonable and work together to solve our conflicts, but he was mostly unyielding and unwilling and frequently sought to model my dad’s intimidation techniques. Not much got resolved between us, and often our conflicts became very emotional and physical.
My parents divorced right after my senior year in high school and interestingly, in the following years, I developed a real passion to have a deeper understanding of what makes people tick and why they behave as they do. I minored in psychology in my undergraduate work, and began to develop improved skills in conflict management. I became more self aware that I really didn’t like conflict, but I also wasn’t intimidated by it any longer. To me, a mutual understanding and resolve could always be achieved when two people were willing to be reasonable and have a deeper acceptance of one another. It was at this point, I believe, that I began to adopt a strong collaboration style of conflict management.
God’s word has also greatly helped to shape my conflict management style. Consider the following scriptures:
· “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18
· “Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.” 2 Corinthians 13:11
· “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.” Hebrews 12:14
· “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.” 2 Corinthians 5:17-19
Particularly when I consider the ministry of reconciliation that we have been given, I am compelled not only in my own life to live reconciled with Christ and with others, but I feel a high calling to facilitate in the lives of others reconciliation with Christ and with one another.
Over the years, I believe I’ve learned an important principle about conflict; that is, there is not always a right side and a wrong side. A great scriptural example of this occurs in the story of Paul and Barnabas in Acts 15. After traveling extensively together sharing the gospel and seeing many lives changes, they came into sharp disagreement. Scripture tells us that as a result of this conflict, they parted ways. However, in this situation God used both parties to continue his work. I don’t believe God is always primarily concerned about who is right and who is wrong; He cares about the condition of our hearts as we face conflict with one another. A heart yielded to Him can continue to be used despite circumstances, but an embittered heart is rendered useless.
On a deeper and more personal level, I have experienced the definitive conflict failure; divorce. During the terribly unwanted separation and divorce of my first marriage, I was constantly asking myself, “How can God be glorified in this?” I struggled, too often focusing on the right and wrong in the situation, and how in the world my husband could do the things he did. I continually tried to manage the conflict, without success, but was confident all the while that God would ultimately reconcile the relationship. He didn’t. We didn’t.
But what I have seen is that God has redeemed my life. Though I felt as though I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, God brought me through to a land “flowing with milk and honey” (Exodus 3:8);” to a life immeasurably more than I could ever have asked or imagined.” (Ephesians 3:20) Certainly our situation was not the ideal conflict resolution, but God in His sovereignty has redeemed it.
Ultimately, conflict is not something to be avoided, but if we are emotionally mature and yielding to God, it can be an incredible opportunity for growth, reconciliation and redemption in our lives.
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